If Mattresses Had Wings

So we go to one of the big box stores at the other end of the city last night to buy an external hard drive so I can do a backup of my dead laptop hard drive before I send it in for major surgery next week. We pull out of the parking lot and drive a couple of blocks and head toward the highway. At the last set of lights a big Dodge Ram pickup pulls out in front of us with his new “Sleep Country” purchase and traffic stops for the red light. We are both mentally assessing the situation we know is about to unfold in front of us once the light turns green. I’m wishing I had a video camera right then. Sitting there for what….a minute? ….me and the man have this short conversation.




Man – “That mattress and box spring are not tied down.”

Me – “I know…and he’s about to go onto the highway.”

Man – “Moron.”

Me – “Don’t drive too close ok?”

Man – “Why not?...these kind of idiots keep me in business.”

Me – “True but someone could get killed.”

Man – “Moron.”



Halfway around the bend in the on ramp the mattress starts liftoff. It’s amazing how much air one of those queenies will get doing about 50km on a bend.

It’s actually quite amusing to actually see first hand I might add. Thud. It lands in the middle of the ramp, skids into the slushy shoulder and we swerve around it.

Moron's brake lights come on for a second and then he keeps driving. He keeps going!

…..Amidst the outburst of laughter…

Me- “Idiot!” Ha Ha Ha ….

Man – “Moron thinks everything is ok” Ha Ha Ha ….

Me & Man – “Oh no….Oh No…. there goes the box spring!”

Me – “Oh my god.”

Man – “Ouch!”……as the box spring lands on its edge and the wood frame breaks apart before it comes to rest halfway into oncoming traffic.

Moron’s brake lights come on for a second and then he keeps driving. He keeps going!

Dude travels about a hundred feet and then starts braking now that he has run out of merge lane. We somehow safely get around him and merge into traffic. Now that I think of it, since I wasn’t driving it may have been an easy lane change since there was a box spring blocking the lane we were now merging into.

Man – “Moron has a long ways to drag those mattresses to his truck now.” Chuckle…

Me – “Imagine what the wife will say when he brings home their new busted up filthy, soggy new bed.” (Insert outburst of laughter here) “No sex for a year” (Insert outburst of more laughter here) “It’s the couch for you, moron.”

At this point I realize that I forgot to charge my cell phone and couldn’t even call to report him. After all, the only way for him to go once he reloaded his truck was to continue down the expressway. Being the moron that he was we were sure that’s exactly what he would do. I sure hope someone behind us called it in or that one of our cities finest just happened to be on patrol in the area.

Moron…….